Friday, August 21, 2009

A few years ago, I was dragged into playing fantasy football. Turns out it’s gobs of fun. The league I am in is called Church of the Endzone. For some reason, that league name cracks me up. At some point that first year I decided to write a fake church newsletter from a fake church called…Church of the Endzone. I recently ran across that newsletter and thought it had some funny parts, so now I share it with you. One quick note, if you are thin-skinned or easily offended just don't read this. It's meant to be funny to sports fans who grew up in church.

If there was a REAL Church of the Endzone…

At Church of the Endzone, we celebrate each new decision for Christ with your choice of the Lambeau Leap, the T.O. Touchdown Nap, or the Mile High Salute. For those with more traditional preferences, we also believe in the chicken dance or even a flying chest bump in our Endzone Altar. Although we believe in freedom through grace, we discourage any bible-spiking or head-butting, the latter regulation added in response to a recent court order.

Our worship marching band is second to none, playing time-tested fight songs of the faith. We also sing more contemporary songs such as Meet With Me at the Uprights, Your Love is Like a Hail Mary Completion, God is Undefeated, Baptists are BCS Busters, and the youth group’s favorite: Satan Slam Dance (we no longer allow burning Satan in effigy).

We believe in full-emersion Gatorade-Jug baptism. New believers may choose to be baptized with ice-free Gatorade in the winter months. While we do allow you to schedule the day of your own baptism, our tradition is to surprise you with the exact time.

Don’t be alarmed if you hear some of the Rowdies in the Jesus-Freak section cheering in tongues. We insist on an immediate interpretation of all cheers in accordance with scripture. We do recognize that some may be distracted, so we are considering moving that section away from the area behind the pulpit.

Church of the Endzone also offers outreach programs designed to connect with the un-churched. Anyone is welcome to participate in one of our popular Fantasy Minister Leagues. Last year Brother Henderson’s fantasy team won the salvation season outright, with Reverend Milton scoring 45 conversions and Pastor Jones adding an unprecedented 93 baptisms on the season. The 37 Milton-to-Jones hookups set a new church record! Next season is already looks to be very exciting, as three rookie youth group graduates join the Welcome Team.

Remember next year’s Fantasy League rule changes include the loss of one point for wrong notes by worship team players, and LDS conversions are now worth 5 points each. That should add some value in the lay-minister position. We are also eliminating our defensive player positions following some questionable recruiting this year at ACLU headquarters. Technically, all players should be church members and technically, there really shouldn’t be a gospel defense here.

For those not interested in fantasy play, our Cheer Squad meets on Wednesday nights and is looking for new members. They will be practicing new cheers such as “We got saved, how ‘bout you?” and “Rah-Rah-Repent!”

If you have recently been a first-time attendee at Church of the Endzone, we hope you were not offended by our insistence that you sit in the designated visitor section. We do believe the bible is clear regarding who may sit in the home team section.

We look forward to seeing our numbers grow over the next year! ESPN-C (the church channel) picked up three sermons this year, and there are rumors that they may schedule more Sundays with us thanks to our overwhelming fan support. To further entice the national broadcasters, we have added air-conditioned press box seating in the balcony. Any services not picked up by ESPN-C will be broadcast on local radio by our own Jimmy Jamison, now in his twenty-fifth year calling sermons.

One final note, the new “Jesus is #1” foam fingers have not been as popular as we hoped. They are now on sale at half-price in the Worship Concessions booth.