I’ve been taking a lot of sleeping pills lately. Since we lost Isaac, it’s been hard to fall asleep without thinking of him or worse, melting down again and being up half the night. Tonight I was tired, so I didn’t take anything. That was a mistake. It’s well after 1:00am and I’m nowhere near being able to sleep yet. Crying gives me a headache, and then it takes forever for the Advil to kick in. I feel weak and out of control, like I should be able to handle this better. I don’t try that hard to keep my emotions hidden. I just need to keep doing the things I need to do, and it’s not like I can take a break every few minutes to mourn my son.
No parent ever really thinks they will have to bury their child. No parent would ever want to. But on some level, I think we’re all at least a little afraid it might happen some day. Over the last few weeks we’ve heard from all kinds of people, some with stories similar to ours, some much worse. One couple lost their two-year-old after losing their baby a year before. As hard as this is, I can’t even imagine surviving that. I love Isaac so much. Still. I’m sure I always will. It’s weird even to me, but I feel like I love him as much as Allie, Emily and Ryan.
I’ve heard mothers talk about how they long to hold their children. I’d never felt that, until now. I can’t explain it, I just feel like I need to hold Isaac tight one more time, kiss his head, rock him to sleep. I try not to look at his pictures, but I have to. My perfect baby boy. He was so beautiful.
I’m sure in the morning I’ll wish I hadn’t posted this. But then, I doubt anyone reads this blog anyway. Even I had forgotten about it. I quit caring if people think I’m weak because I can’t hold it together emotionally. If I am, it’s how God made me. You don’t like it, take it up with Him.
I have to admit, before this I was really blind to the suffering of those around me. I mean, I knew about people who had experienced loss, but it never really registered. I had no point of reference. Everything is relative, so the roughest stuff I had been through seemed pretty hard to me. Now I think about people who I know lost children who were older, or any number of other tragic circumstances that are all around us. Not that it makes losing Isaac any easier, but at least now I have an idea what life is like for some of them. We mourn the loss of the infant we held and the memories we would have made. Some people have to mourn the loss of real memories, history, all those funny things kids say, their unique personalities, their affection, their laugh. In a way, I think it’s easier to not have that with Isaac.
And now I need to find some Advil. Maybe Advil P.M….
No parent ever really thinks they will have to bury their child. No parent would ever want to. But on some level, I think we’re all at least a little afraid it might happen some day. Over the last few weeks we’ve heard from all kinds of people, some with stories similar to ours, some much worse. One couple lost their two-year-old after losing their baby a year before. As hard as this is, I can’t even imagine surviving that. I love Isaac so much. Still. I’m sure I always will. It’s weird even to me, but I feel like I love him as much as Allie, Emily and Ryan.
I’ve heard mothers talk about how they long to hold their children. I’d never felt that, until now. I can’t explain it, I just feel like I need to hold Isaac tight one more time, kiss his head, rock him to sleep. I try not to look at his pictures, but I have to. My perfect baby boy. He was so beautiful.
I’m sure in the morning I’ll wish I hadn’t posted this. But then, I doubt anyone reads this blog anyway. Even I had forgotten about it. I quit caring if people think I’m weak because I can’t hold it together emotionally. If I am, it’s how God made me. You don’t like it, take it up with Him.
I have to admit, before this I was really blind to the suffering of those around me. I mean, I knew about people who had experienced loss, but it never really registered. I had no point of reference. Everything is relative, so the roughest stuff I had been through seemed pretty hard to me. Now I think about people who I know lost children who were older, or any number of other tragic circumstances that are all around us. Not that it makes losing Isaac any easier, but at least now I have an idea what life is like for some of them. We mourn the loss of the infant we held and the memories we would have made. Some people have to mourn the loss of real memories, history, all those funny things kids say, their unique personalities, their affection, their laugh. In a way, I think it’s easier to not have that with Isaac.
And now I need to find some Advil. Maybe Advil P.M….
3 comments:
For what's it's worth - you're not weak my friend. Continue to cry hard & grieve well. Thinking of you often!!
There is no such thing as strong or weak when it comes to grief. Just human. You are a normal human being, and you are right, you are just the way God made you. Even God cried when His Son died. Don't think the crying and overwhelming sadness makes you any less strong. You have made it through another day. That's all you have to do. Make it through one day at a time. We are still here...anytime, for anything.
Still praying for you through this time... Thanks for sharing your heart.
Post a Comment